Okay, I have to start this off by saying that I know all too well that what I'm about to propose would never in a million years even come close to being massive Hollywood blockbuster, nor does it even seem to have a killer cast, but it's a movie that I have always wanted to see made and with an unlimited budget, where I save money in a somewhat lesser-known cast, I can spend on the greatest writers, director, cinematographer, editor, score composer, and special effects. Not to mention the marketing and licensing!
So, with that in mind, the movie I'd like to make would be called:
Dungeons & Dragons: Portal of Doom
Yes, that's right, I would love to make a movie based on the legendary Dungeons & Dragons cartoon from the '80s. I'd keep everything about the original; the kids getting sent into the D&D world through an amusement park ride, Dungeon Master helping them out, Venger chasing them, the whole thing. Imagine a grand finale with a CGI Tiamat or a part in the movie where Venger hires Warduke to assassinate the kids and steal their weapons.
I know this all sounds cheesy as can be, but the way I picture it in my head (more LOTR and less Eragon) makes me think that this could work.
The cartoon is about 6 kids who get sucked into the realm of Dungeons & Dragons, so we'd need to cast them. Now, this is where I realized that this would never be a massive blockbuster, unless it was handled like that Harry Potter movies or with the marketing push behind The Hunger Games. With movies staring mostly kids (Goonies, Monster Squad), you just have to hope that it's a hit, because you can't rely on big names to generate buzz.
We'll need kid actors to play Eric the Cavalier, Hank the Ranger, Shiela the Thief, Diana the Acrobat, Presto the Magician and Bobby the Barbarian.
Anyway, here's how I'd cast it:
Playing Eric would be Cainan Wiebe, who you may know from Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Now, I know he's a bit young, but he's growing up and could probably play a sarcastic doubter.
Hank would be cast a little older with Hunter Parrish (Weeds) playing this role. I would make Hank's character more of the group leader and older brother figure to the rest of the group (sort of, we would need to leave room for a possible romantic thing between him and either of the girls).
Playing Diana would be Keke Palmer. Now, I had no idea who she is, but I asked my wife for help on this one and she said that she love Keke in several things she saw and told me that she's kind of a big thing with kids these days. She certainly looks the part of a tough-talking acrobat. Also, being an acrobat is kind of lame, we'd have to change that to assassin or something.
Forgive me for this next one, but I just can't help myself. I honestly think that Jennifer Lawrence in the role of Shiela would add a certain weight to the film. Also, we'd have to toughen up the character a bit, because she was a bumbling idiot in the cartoon. I was a fearless and crafty thief in this movie.
Playing Presto, the nerdy magician, would be McLovin himself, Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Now, I know that he's like 26 years old now, but he still looks the part and there's no reason why we can't fudge the ages of the characters a bit and make him Hanks age. Maybe they're even college roommates home for the holidays or something. That could work.
And rounding out the cast of young 'uns, is Nolan Gould (Modern Family) as Bobby. I just love this kid, and want him in my movie, damn it.
Of course, you can't play Dungeons & Dragons without a Dungeon Master, and who better to play this role than Danny DeVito? He certainly could look the part, but I would worry about his voice. We may have to work on this one a bit more.
But I am dead set on casting Willem Defoe in the role of Venger. With the right makeup and costuming, I think Defoe would turn in a frightening performance.
There would be other minor characters that needed to be cast. I imagine that Ray Park or somebody like that could play a silent Warduke, and I wouldn't mind working in Strongheart the Knight somehow. But I'd make him a grittier, fallen hero type that redeems himself in the end.
So, there you have it. This is the movie I'd make if I was a big shot producer with oodles of cash. I don't know how much of a blockbuster it would be, but weirder movies have made massive splashes. So I'm sticking to this dream.
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